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are you looking at me
bigalcampbell
If I can be as annoying as Clint Eastwood when I'm 82, I'll die a happy man. If I can embarrass some conservatives into the bargain then so much the better.

That and Channel 4's ad-intensive Paralympics coverage aside, today has been less inspiring than an Audience With Tony Benn. It's bad enough for the people who were injured last night without wild exaggerations about massive fucking supersized wolves. That kind of sensationalism is just disrespectful. Twitter: the only thing that could make Silly Season sillier.

*glares at iPad screen, frowns.*

It's actually four fifteen now and I have achieved precisely bugger all.

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Text from 078## ######

Alastair,

I'm in a bit of a fix and would like to request access to your greater knowledge in a particular field, if you would be so willing as to indulge me for a brief moment?

-John

Text from 07### ######

John,

always a pleasure to exercise my considerable expertise on behalf of... well, I was going to say 'a friend,' but anyway. What d'you want?

- AC

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Alastair,

Thank you.

Just a quick question, one I'm sure I already know the answer to but I thought it vital to check with someone who has more experience than I in this particular area...

I need Peter's help in an endeavour but he dead set against the idea and refuses to comply with my suggestions. Do you, perhaps, know of any way to coax him round to an idea he detests or would is it, as I fear, completely hopeless?

-John

Text from 07### ######

John,

oh dear oh dear. Your main route is flattery, obviously, but if banging on about how vital his endless talents are to the continued survival of humanity etc. isn't working, all I can think to suggest is an appeal to his vindictive side. What does the nemesis du jour stand to lose? Hope that helps, but I wouldn't bet on it.

- AC

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Alastair,

Alas, just as I thought. I suppose I will simply have to do without him this time.

Thank you for your input on the matter.

Hope you're well.

-John

Text from 07### ######

John,

any time! When I'm not doing something else, that is. Ta ta.

- AC

Text from 07### ######

Tinkerbell,

as I am feeling ever so generous, I will allow you to visit and make me a cup of tea. I don't particularly want one, but it will allow you to have acheived something today.

-Peter

Text from 07### ######

Mandy,

you've obviously got an ulterior motive of some kind, but as it happens I don't care. Your company is just the thing I need to make me feel like a worthwhile member of society again. I'll be right there.

- AC

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